Do not envy anything about me.

(i wrote this post nearly 6 months ago and sat on it and ground my blog to a halt because i felt like a hypocrite because i was to scared to deal with the repercussions of posting it. This is who i am though. It is what it is.)

Few things aggravate me more than before and after pictures. We all can plainly see in the after picture how you are standing straighter, flexing harder, and frankly taking a more flattering picture. So what are you trying to sell and who is buying? We all know it’s fake but it’s everywhere on social media, tv, even our friends.
People give likes, they congratulate, they buy whatever nonsense they are clearly trying to sell. We all know it’s fake though. So why?
If we all fake together do you feel less alone? It’s like when you are in middle school and you claim you have made it to whatever “base” with your girlfriend because the others around you say they have… But, everyone knows they and you haven’t. So what’s the point? What does this have to do with me and why am i making you read this?
Some universal truths for every human being on Earth: You aren’t getting any younger. If you want to lose weight you have to eat less calories than you burn (regardless of medical condition or what you eat). Everybody has shit that stinks. We all live in glass houses. Nobody is getting out alive.
I am guilty of portraying a life from mostly a positive side even though i try to constantly slip in that it is certainly not as perfect as it looks. My pictures for example don’t focus on the bad that i see, not because i am hiding it but generally that isn’t what i am trying to propagate forward. This is my attempt to be extra clear. I have been looking for ways to portray my life more accurately. Not so much for attention but because people inaccurately tell me how they envy things about me based on tales they have told themselves based on assumptions i haven’t corrected clearly.
What you see as travel, adventure, freedom… i see as running (towards and away), hiding from having to face the fact that I made an incredible life for myself that was completely improbable, i reached and surpassed any goals i could have imagined growing up the way i did and still…i felt empty, and as far as freedom goes…. I live in a self prescribed prison, isolated, and alone. Not because i don’t have people i love or that love me, but because i know that there is not an easy fix for what ails me.
Anybody that tries to help me has to recognize the obvious, how ridiculous it is that i am not fulfilled. Especially those that know my whole life. My life should have never turned out on paper as good as it did. I was least likely to succeed. Everybody is struggling and i recognise how hard it is for everyone i care about to get to where they are. I am literally sweating out pride in those i know because i am so happy for you that it has nowhere else to go. Whether we speak daily or not at all i feel that seeing me whine about my struggles or how i feel unfulfilled or under stimulated in a reality where i fuck off all over the world, doing whatever i please, and decide my days based on freedoms and luxuries and spend my nights contemplating big unanswerable questions while people work jobs that some can’t stand, and are completely occupied thinking about their electric bill or how to provide for their family to begin to care about why the world is the way it is.
I am frankly ashamed to bring my problems up because i will never feel like i deserved any of this. I am a scared 11 year old who’s only stability just died and i am scared to open my bedroom door because there will either be violence, death, or disappointment. So i used all this fear and anger to “succeed”. Then when i “succeeded” not only did i use negative energy to do it, probably propagating all the positive into a time bomb where the shoe is bound to drop, I now feel guilty that i did it out of spite. In my rush to prove myself to someone that doesn’t even exist i ran out of goalposts to distract me from hiding in my bedroom, scared of what i will have to see when i have to open the door in the morning. How is anybody going to help me with that?
My friend Ben and i used to speak about suicide late at night at the funeral home while he was avoiding going home to his shitty little one bedroom apartment after his wife divorced him while he worked himself to the bone to continue to support her and their many children. I was working myself to the bone because it was the only way i was going to ever prove to “anyone” that i wasn’t some loser. I was simply going to make it happen if by nothing but pure drive, butting my head against the wall until i broke through. The conversations on suicide led to the declaration that if it ever got to that point where i was done i would just fuck off, sell everything, drop off the face of the earth and start a new life elsewhere, maybe India. After all, we only get one life why not start over? Killing yourself before trying that would be stupid, a waste. Well, Ben shot himself in his truck after reconciling with his wife after his marriage apparently went wrong again. I on the other hand, sold everything and fucked off.
So, don’t envy me. I backed myself into suicide or starting over out of an inability to be content. I am worried what happens if this ever gets boring, or i don’t find something eventually that makes a more normal life worth trying. To be optimistic though things are going really well. I am mentally as healthy as i have ever been (in my opinion). All the therapy i sought out really helped. It gave me the tools to not only survive but to really grow as a human being. Certain people that probably think i blame them for certain things really made a huge difference in my life. I don’t have any anger towards anyone but myself, and it’s part of the reason i am purposefully isolated. I cannot in good conscience have anyone i care about seeing me struggle because i completely recognize that it makes me look like an ungrateful child. Instead, it’s better you continue making me and those that matter proud by working on yourselves rather than wasting time on the paradox that my life has become. If i am ever going to be “fixed” i will need to figure that out on my own. I already fear i am dragging everybody i care about down and when someone tries to “help”, it makes me worry and starts a vicious cycle where i consider it would be better or easier if i wasn’t there.
I have my little corner of the universe all squared away, honestly. I am doing very well, for me. Nothing can hurt me in my situation because i can just hop to the next and reset my problems. You would be doing very well to learn from my situation and realise that i envy everyone i know. I get my strength to continue from seeing my circle succeed. So, if you truly want to help me, please reach for the stars, lean on me, i have plenty of help to give and watching you truly succeed fills an emptiness i have in me. That is one way you can give me the hope i need. Another way is to give me the space to handle this, “my way”. I promise I am capable and willing to ask for actual help when needed. I recognize my link in the chain is important to many and a keystone to some. Disappointing people is my greatest fear so finding a way to keep going is my “job” and i will not give up, because i can’t stand in the way of you (yes, you included) succeeding.
Hopefully, you can look at my body of work and consider when i say “trust me” that you can. Even if everything between us hasn’t worked out perfectly i would have to say that you would have had to completely misread my actions or intentions to think i would harm anyone, especially if you cared enough about me to be vulnerable. In the end i did what i felt was right, and rarely was what was best for me a factor. Now, i will be the first to admit i wasn’t always right, mistakes have been made, but if you ever knew me, you know. My intentions are clear as day. They say that “heaven” holds a special place for the misunderstood, i hope this entry brings a little understanding to those that have to live with me on Earth.

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